Nickel For Your Thoughts - The Blow Job

“I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.” -J. Edgar Hoover

After a recent discussion with some friends about people who refuse to give head, a friend of mine was inspired to write a post about the importance of fellatio in a relationship. The author of this post is gay and has never had relations with a woman but it's better than taking relationship advice from Cosmo. Here it goes:

"It is really funny when you think about what we can do for a 10 second pleasure, aka orgasm. There are many different ways to get you the heaven, but there is only one highway...the BJ! I think it is the most important universal common ground. People tend to argue the universal nature of music and math, but none of them are as exciting as the BJ. How many times have you gotten an erection because of some melody or some quadratic equation? Yet, just the idea of a blow job can get a guy ready in less than five seconds (yes, I know, I sound like one of those late night TV kitchen appliance ads.)

The most important fact about the BJ is that every guy loves a blowjob. It is like two plus two is four! Girls, if your boyfriend says he doesn’t like BJs, I have news for you. You suck at sucking! Wake up and learn how to embrace the thorn of the king. Believe or not, the BJ will save your life in a way that even Victoria’s Secret cant! If you believe that healthy and open communication is key to a successful relationship, you have no clue about man and are probably single. The prince on the white horse will not come for you if a hot chick offers him a BJ on the way. In short, you have to have it! No other way!

You might ask who the hell am I to tell you this bullshit. Honey, I'm gay and our community is built upon the blow job! So stop bitching and listen to me! A very recent experience proved that if you are a good porn watcher, you can be a good blower. I just had a nice lay with a virgin, and he gave me his first blow job, and he was good!

There should be some sort of a power to tell you when you meet someone you can say whether s/he gives a good head. That would make my life really easier. I wouldn't have to create an excuse to leave because a guy is biting my dick. I'd like to see a world where I don't have to tell a guy that I need to call my parents because of some made-up revolution in my homeland! That’s why I wanted to write this. It will save millions of innocent men and thousands of relationships. I feel like I m doing the best charity work on earth! So let's get down to the details.

First of all, be eager. By eager, I don't mean forward. Ensure your partner is aware you're going to get there and then enjoy the process. Don't kiss a guy for thirty seconds then then unzip his pants. When you get there, don’t rush.

Be slow and gentle, and always remember the golden rule: No teeth!! (unless you are dating with some sort of a fetish guy). You have a dick in your mouth. not a teeth whitening peppermint gum. Some people think that saliva is very important, I don’t see that but if you want it little juicy then go with that. You can also try to stare at the guy while you are having it in your mouth. I know it is a big turn on for lot of people, so try it!

Some people, including myself, like to spicy up a BJ with something like nutella or syrup. Try it,. You may find you spice up your relationship but also makes things tasty! Again, use your imagination and make your guy happy, in return, he will make you happy. If not, dump him!

I wanted to finalize it with an amazing quote: “ if you want to win a man over, you don’t need 10 steps, you need one and it’s called blow job! (don’t forget to swallow!)

HNT – Hair Part 2

“When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.” –Mark Twain

More of my hair theme.

For more information on HNT, visit Obasso’s blog.

Food For Thought - Meringues

“Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.” -Woody Allen

I love meringue cookies. They are a bitch to make, but when done right, they just melt in your mouth.

3 large egg whites
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
3/4 cup superfine sugar
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1) Preheat oven to 200F. Place the rack in the center of your oven. Cover a baking sheet with wax paper.

2) In a bowl, beat the egg whites on medium speed until foamy.

3) Add the cream of tartar and continue to beat the whites until they hold soft peaks.

3) Add the sugar a little at a time and continue to beat until the meringue holds very stiff peaks. Beat in the vanilla extract. The mixture shouldn't feel gritty.

4) Use a pastry bag (or I just used two spoons) and drop 2 inch round cookies onto the baking sheet.

5) Bake for 1 1/2 hours. Leave to dry over night.

Divorce

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Everytime I get divorced, I keep the house." -Zsa Zsa Gabor

I came across this post on divorce on a blog I sometimes read but hardly ever agree with, Apple Cider Mill. It's written by a woman who describes herself as "a daughter of God, follower of Jesus, wife to Brian, mother to Sophia (2 years) and James (5 months), a homemaker, a writer, an actress, an avid cook and baker, a life-long learner, and in short: a woman." So you can see her and I probably aren't going to see eye to eye on a lot of stuff.

However, unlike some of my other "social safari" expeditions, I don't want to punch this chick in the face because she's not a raging bitch.

She focuses first on her own story of divorce. She describes how her father left her mother, that her mother wanted to try counseling but her father refused, how her mother (who lived in a state which technically wasn't a no-fault divorce state) didn't want a divorce, etc. etc. She also notes that her mother "didn't get a dime" even though she sacrificed her career to be a homemaker and caregiver. This clearly sucks.

As a result of this sucking, the author then goes on to criticize the idea of "no-fault" divorce. She ultimately argues, "Personally, I would love to see these United States overturn no-fault divorce and reinstate the laws as they were before the 1970s, where divorce was only permitted by proven breech of the marriage contract. It is my belief that if no-fault divorce continues to prevail, it should at least by required that any person seeking such a divorce would be made to undergo a reasonable number of couples' counselling sessions with their spouse. I believe that many, many marriages would be saved even from this, which seems to me the most minimal of efforts when considering such a momentous decision."

I just finished reading "What Is Marriage For?" by E.J. Graff so marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. Not so much marriage, as the dissolution of marriage.

My problem is that she (and nearly everyone else) is missing the bigger picture. She does recognize half of the problem. She does say that marriage is a contract. But her solution to preventing people from "breaking" the contract is to make it more difficult to terminate it. Unlike marriage, most contracts outline what happens if you break the contract. An employment contract will outline the non-compete clause and the severance. Marriage contracts don't.

And this is the fundamental flaw of a marriage contract. If you want to combat this, follow Kanye's advice and holler "we want prenups."

What we need is to make marriage more difficult to obtain. Require everyone who wants to get married by the state to submit a prenup. Outline what must be included in it. Require the parties to sign it, in front of witnesses, when they sign their marriage license.

Perhaps you think this is too much government regulation into a private matter. And I'd agree, except that the government then has to spend time and money adjudicating the dissolution of your fucked up marriage. So if you're going to end your marriage, you're dragging the government into it anyway.

I'd hope that if people have to put some more serious thought into getting married that would reduce the amount of divorce, not simply retreating backwards thirty years and imprisoning women in abusive marriages.

HNT - Hair Part 1

"If atheism is a religion, than bald is a hair color." –Mark Schnitzius

I mentioned last week that my theme for HNT for the next month is hair. These pics are older and I’m pretty sure my hair is about 2-3 inches longer now.


For more information on HNT, visit Obasso’s blog.

Food For Thought - Chocolate Raspberry Cake

“Your good friend has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You will probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic.” -Miranda Hobbes (Sex And The City)

I needed to make a gluten free cake for a friend of mine with Celiac's Disease. @Imakecake sent me this recipe. She blogged about when she made it here.

Cake

• 5 eggs, separated
  
• 3/4 cup caster sugar
  
• 250g dark chocolate, melted
• 1 1/4cups hazelnut meal
• 1 cup frozen raspberries

Ganache

• 150g dark chocolate, chopped
  
• 1/3 cup thickened cream

1. Preheat oven to 170C. Grease a 20cm springform pan. Line base and sides with greased paper.

2. Using an electric mixer, beat egg yolks and 1/2 cup sugar together until thick and creamy. Stir in melted chocolate and hazelnut meal.

3. Using an electric mixer, beat egg whites until soft peaks form. Add reaming sugar one tablespoon at a time, beating until firm peaks form. Fold 1/2 egg white mixture into chocolate mixture. Gently fold in remaining egg white mixture. Fold in raspberries. Pour into prepared pan.

4. Bake for 45min - 1 hour or until a skewer inserted into the centre has moist crumbs clinging to it. Cool completely in pan.

5. Ganache: Melt chocolate and cream in a pan over low heat. Cook, stirring, for 3 - 4 min. or until smooth.

6. Place cake on a plate. Pour ganache over cake.

I am allergic to hazelnut and I don't like dark chocolate, so I didn't even taste it. It got rave reviews from everyone else though.

Thanksgiving

“Thanks, when they are expressed, are often more embarrassing than welcomed." -Robert Louis Stevenson

After my birthday post (and really, my recent attitude), a few people noted that I seem like I'm really unhappy with my life or that everything I say is negative. While I will admit that I have been more annoyed with life than usual, I'm not becoming emo (though I did just put Bright Eyes on my Ipod).

In an effort to demonstrate that I'm not totally miserable and merely wallowing in self-pity, I want to write and organize a Thanksgiving post. My idea is simple: To get a bunch of people to talk about what they are thankful for.

Of course, I'm aiming to get something a little more interesting than a list of all the things we're socially obligated to say we're thankful for (e.g. family, friends). I want to get people to be creatively thankful. I know at least one person who will probably write an ode to bacon. I'm going to try to get a singer/songwriter friend of mine to write something.

Anyone who wants to participate is more than welcome. If you have a blog, feel free to post your thanks there and send me the link. If you don't and still want to write/sing/interpretive dance something, just send it to me at rene.molly@gmail.com and I'll post it here. I'm going to put my post and all the other submissions I receive up on Saturday, November 28, 2009. This is because my family actually celebrates Thanksgiving on Saturday. So that's when I will be thankful!

Also, I'm going to send this around on Twitter to everyone I'm specifically looking at for participating.

Good Marriage Advice

“Marriage is like life - it is a field of battle, not a bed of roses.” -Robert Louis Stevenson

I know that usually I'm bashing relationship "advice." I do find most of it to be terrible, unhelpful, misleading, and flat out moronic. However, this article from the NY Times is spot on.

I know that it's old (Dec. 17, 2006) but the advice is timeless. It lists fifteen questions couples should ask before they get married.

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Some of them are the biggies (Do you want kids?) and some are smaller (TV in the bedroom?), but they all cover areas of relationships that are extremely important.

The bottom line is that for any relationship to be successful, you must communicate. And not just about your day or what to have for dinner, but you have to deal with those big, uncomfortable issues.

Otherwise, you're going to contribute to the nation's 50% divorce rate.

Nickel For Your Thoughts - Stalking

"Come on now. Aliens don't hide in the bushes. It's probably just a stalker." -Daria

This week's Nickel For Your Thoughts post is written by "Anonymouse," a social media ninja by day and Cathy from the infamous comic strip by night. She's also a close, personal friend of mine.

She writes:

So if you follow “social media experts”, as I have in my profession, you tend to hear that Facebook, Twitter, Google Wave, and all the rest of those social media tools are about as awesome as Jesus Christ returning to Earth on a dinosaur carrying a flamethrower.

“Oh, social media is just so transparent, so authentic, companies engage their customers and create an honest, trustworthy, self-sustaining conversation. They just need to listen to the global online conversation…”

Seriously. Social media: apparently it’s better than sex.

Well, it’s a lie. Social media can keep you neurotic, predatory, celibate, and possibly under house arrest. And here’s how!

We are every clingy female stereotype!

STALKING 101: How to use social media to stalk a potential mate.

The worst part about working in social media is having some of the vague, random skills required to find everything you ever wanted to know about another person. A lot of the following is pretty self-explanatory and just requires persistence and a lack of pride. There are a million tools with search engines waiting for you (Twitter, LinkedIn, LiveJournal) – the key is to use them effectively.

1. Google

“Googling” is so obvious and commonplace that you can joke about it on your first date. However, only a dedicated stalker will remember to place quotation marks around your date’s name and include their school, company name, email address, or license plate number for better search results.

Also, GoogleWeb isn’t the only stalking tool – click on “more” on the upper left hand corner of your Google homepage, then scroll down to “blog”. Have they been written about on a blog since 1997? Maybe they wrote about their love of REM on Livejournal three years ago… you’ll find it on GoogleBlog! And then if you hum REM quietly during your date they’ll notice that you both have the exact same taste in music and you will become soulmates and gallop off into the sunset on matching horses all because you referenced a relatively famous band that they expressed moderate interest in.

If you’re feeling particularly tenacious and you’re stalking a celebrity, set up a GoogleAlert for them. Or if you’re a Google Beta fan, try out their new “social” search engine from GoogleLabs to find any mentions of your date written by your other online friends. Yay for unwarranted jealousy!

2. Facebook

Remember when you used to be able to filter your friends by their relationship status? You could cater a profile search to only friends who were “single” or “engaged”, and stalk dozens of people at a time, instead of just one victim potential life partner.

Well, unfortunately, Facebook took away that option. Something about being creepy and evil. But now you can still track people by clicking the magnifying glass next to the Facebook search bar in the upper right hand corner, entering keywords (like “engaged”, “pregnant”, or “John Doe”), and clicking on “Posts by Friends” to track your friends’ news or interactions.

For real stalking purposes, search for your date’s name (“Erik Estrada”) and click on “Posts by Everyone” – before you know it, you’ll see updates about Erik from people you’ve never met! It only works if your date is popular enough for people to tag them in status updates or refer to them by both their first and last names, though. Best left for celebrities or the recently deceased. People tend to talk about them a lot.

3. Pipl.com and other fucking dastardly tools

These are resources best left to the truly creepy among us, those who are willing to look up entirely too much information about a person with just a couple of clicks. Pipl.com found links to my credit history and prom photos. Not joking. These are metaphorical anal probes - sites that take stalking to a new level:

Pipl.com – everything you could ever want about a single person aggregated in one place (address, email, blogs, links)
Federal Employee Search, Sunshine Review and WikiFOIA - federal and state employees’ salaries online (feeling invasive yet?)
CQMoneyLine – lists anyone who has ever donated to a political campaign, the candidate, and the amount
Don’t Date This – for some reason I always look up my own name first…
National Sex Offender Registry – same with this site, too…

From: http://www.thedoghousediaries.com/?p=1042

Next time with Anonymouse – what to do when your date realizes you just asked about a childhood pet they had never mentioned to you before before!

HNT - Earrings

And Aaron said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me. - Exodus 32:2

After this week, my HNT pictures are going to have a theme. I’m going to do four pictures in that theme (so, a month of HNT) and then move on. The next four weeks will be hair.

So if you really get off on hair, it’s gonna be a good four weeks.

For more information on HNT, visit Obasso’s blog.